Sandalwood and Pancakes

I resisted the urge to lick my dry lips and to stuff my hands roughly into my pocket. The neatly pressed sheets and the intricately patterened golden bed post made for a posh like backdrop to her form. Slender hands lay almost dainty-like atop her lap— the image blurred my senses back to a sun filled apartment, the hazy scent of sandalwood and pancakes.

For a moment, I lingered.

The reverie, however, fell apart when the corner of her lips tugged down. She crossed her ankles and my gaze followed her lithe legs clad in opaque stockings, then to her flimsy cream robe.

“This isn’t a game. You need to leave.” 

Her demand sounded hollow to me and the lack of urgency in her tone stole my breath. I had pictured this moment to be filled with passion of the admonishing kind- I would plead until my knees ached, and somehow we would both give into the weight of it all. And yet none of my dramatic expectations had been met. I had gone over the possibilities and yet this wasn’t one of them. This wide space between us was never part of those damn ridiculious possibilities.

I looked to my shoes.

Resentment pricked at my mind and I bit back a mirthless chuckle— heavy and vile. I sighed before I spoke “No. I can’t leave.” Something flickered in her tired brown eyes as I swallowed the lump of nerves down my throat. My palms were moist with perspiration and the need to wipe them made my fingers twitch.

“Steven,” she called out. My chest ached but I couldn’t help but savor the way my name quietly slipped past her lips. I could already feel my resolve begin to melt as her eyes softened.

“I—” I paused to recollect the words in my mind. But the task proved difficult as her gaze did not falter. “I can get you away from all this. We can leave.” Her delicate eyebrows began to furrow, so my mouth moved faster. “And– an—just. I. You just gotta hear me out!” I ignored the desperation that had grown much too evident in my voice. It pained me to stare, her thin wrists, her collar bone jutted unhealthily under her skin, her makeup somewhat hid the gauntness of her cheeks and it was was all so damn unnatural, really.

Her gaze steeled and she stood, the swell of her hips more pronounced as she stepped towards me. “I’m here for a reason.” My mouth ran dry and she looked away.

One lone face, so vivid, stood in my mind. There was only one man this woman would break herself for.

I ignored the sudden weakness in my knees. “That much, huh? You love him this much.” I croaked.

There was a pregnant pause and my hands balled into fists. Until finally, I dared to peak at her clear face.

The tears and the solid determination in her eyes was enough for me to understand.