Yesterday i finally felt okay- for the first time in a while. But i remembered that smile that you reserved for me a long time ago and I crumbled at 4 am in the morning.

I still love you.

It’s no longer a crushing pain when the thought flits by my brain and straight through my soul. 

Just a passing reminder.

Like flipping through your binder

but instead of it saying that there’s an exam- it say on your hearts footnotes

that you still occupy a large place there- the living room lamp is still on. it still looks homey from the outside… and it always fucking  will.

I keep the memory of you holding me and smiling at me so intimately clutched to me everyday. I am absolutely selfish about my memories of you

I dread the day that my birthday comes and you ignore me like I know you will.